閒鹹辣媽的部落格

Bloody hell, this word itself is already sexual discrimination!

Men have been down-dating for centuries while this word is created recently for women specially, when they have relationship with men from lower educational level (often also come along with it: lower income and/or social status, eventually lower IQ/EQ, in short, level difference could be spiritual or material wise)

I always thought, come on, what the hell to talk about it so difficult?! If they have love, who cares about rest? Unfortunately, love cannot conquer everything, on contrary, love has to be tested by almost everything, all the time…..

It’s quite sad to see, even worse, you see it more and more often nowadays that an independent strong woman, standing in the middle of life, can hardly get a proper man from her level. Why?

Let’s look at some key facts of the structure of our society: Divorce waves mostly happen at the age of 40’s, roughly 10 years of marriage. After a period of rest, of course, “everybody needs somebody”, we start looking for new relationships.

For men it’s mostly piece of cake, no matter how they look outside, how they are inside, how their status is, they look for girls of 30’s or 20’s something. Their range is so wide like Equatorial, from their own age down to 20 years younger. Thus, there are plenty of choices around. Plus, most of them have kids around every second weekend only, they have plenty of time to date too. (A side note: And they seldom look for elder women, while women live several years longer than man. This makes me wonder, if you want a woman for the rest of your life, wouldn’t you want to cherish her till you die? Wouldn’t it make sense to minimize the chance that your beloved woman has to live behind alone for years after you die?!?! Wouldn’t it make sense to look for women at your age or a bit elder?! How many men on earth have thought about that before they look for a relationship?!)

For women, divorced at their 40’s, especially the career women, they take over the custody and main daily responsibility of kids, they have full-time jobs, they bring the kid here and there, they manage to be financially independent, they work hard and smart on the career market just barely to stay on same ground as male colleagues. (while women are mostly sharper, more intelligent, more stress-standing, more flexible…..e.g. relatively cheaper labor……) They still need to manage to find time to find a soul-mate in their squeezed tiny time of daily life. Which is almost zero chance sometimes….

Ancient Chinese wisdom says, marry a person at your level. Level includes the level of educations, family background, interests, ideas of life….etc. This is the philosophy to make a balanced relationship last long. The movie “Pretty Woman” is just a movie, it doesn’t exist in the real world. 

Unfortunately when you look around, good men at your age are all occupied. The non-occupied ones are dating with 20’s something, your chances left with the guys much older than you, while if both die in normal circumstances, you need to be prepared to be a widow for a decade probably. (Make sure you have healthy and good girlfriends around, that when you are old you can make your own “The Golden Girls” team.) OK, if you don’t mind the age, you will bump into an interesting guy, sooner or later.

How about this guy, the one you feel strong chemistry, is not on the same level as you? That the chemistry destroys your sense of reasons, when you fall in love………you, as strong single mom, need to be even much stronger, in order to keep this relationship working (long).

Thanks to chemistry, at the beginning there’s no big issue. Two people in love, they only look at the things that they are common, the things they are not in common they think it’s not a big deal. After relationship becomes stable, the uncommon things become visible and traceable. Love will be tested over and over again.

The consequences look like these……….

- He cannot catch your thoughts, understand your heart. Due to the different levels of thoughts background, the conversation will often remain superficial, it cannot go further or deeper, you both easily fall into same simple debates and find it hard to talk through things struggled between minds and hearts. While he will think you are just making things difficult and you think too much. Sometime he wishes that you shut down your brain to make his life easier. This also means that you both can only spend good time together, but not bad time……..

- He feels sort of uncomfortable while he will not admit. May because of educational level, may because of difference of income. Then sometimes the Macho side-effect appears, bursting, scolding, emotional reacting, some even fall into physical violence. (but sorry, higher educational level also don’t guarantee this won’t happen…..)  

- Friends around the women see it for a long time that they don’t fit together and worries about her. They support her when they are together; they feel even happier for her if they break up.

Down-dating is tiring, but better than being totally alone, most of women think. But when the struggles and conflicts become daily program, women, think about the quality of life you want. Unless you are able to shut down your brain anytime you wish, then you can make him happy. (hmm, how about yourself? Are you gonna to lower your standard? Will you be really happy then?)

Don’t let the chemistry get a chance become poison, women….

Sometimes, giving up takes more courage than holding on and you never know if it’s right or wrong until it really ends.

I say……Life is an art of choices.